


I Can Feel Again

by Onefandomatatime



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Deserved Better, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Character Development, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Emotionally Repressed, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gentle, Happy Ending, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Love, Marriage Proposal, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Older Man/Younger Woman, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Ben Solo, Reylo Week 2019, Sharing a Bed, Smut, Soft Ben Solo, Tall, Understanding, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Virgin Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:34:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22043386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onefandomatatime/pseuds/Onefandomatatime
Summary: A new and different ending for our two favorites. I cant just sit here and let Ben Solo stay dead, no, that is not okay. Here is a happy ending all of us fangirls and boys wish was canon.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 11
Kudos: 91





	1. New beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> This is not my first ever fanfic but it’s my first Star Wars fanfic so please be nice. I don’t exactly know what I’m doing so I’m playing things by ear. I just needed to fix some things, and Ben Solo isn’t allowed to stay dead.

Rey sat on the ground, sobbing, her hands still holding Ben’s body which had slumped out of her arms.   
  


“Ben.... Ben...come back”, She sobbed hopelessly.   
  


There was nothing left keeping her here without him.   
  


Suddenly, a heavy sense of calm enveloped Rey like a warm blanket, and in that moment, she knew precisely what she had to do. Gathering what little strength Ben had given her, Rey repositioned them so that Ben’s head was lying in her lap with her legs crossed. Slowly, she drew in a deep breath. Then another. She sat like this for a few minutes, gathering her own strength through the force.   
  


Then, leaning down and closing her eyes, she placed her small hands on either side of Ben’s face, and kissed him for the second time, breathing some of her lifeforce into his lungs. The second kiss, longer than the first, seemed to take Rey’s breath away, straight out of her lungs, and after a moment she fainted, collapsing onto her side.   
  


They lay together like this for long minutes, Ben’s seemingly lifeless head in Rey’s now crooked lap as her body regained enough strength to bring her back to consciousness. Transferring one’s lifeforce into another was draining, even to a most experienced Jedi, and Rey was already weak. She’d only hoped she had enough life in her to share and keep them both alive.   
  


An hour passed before Rey’s body brought her back to consciousness. She jolted uptight with a gasp as her eyes went straight to the face still in her lap, unmoving and apparently unliving.   
  


Stifling another sob, Rey moved to stand, when the smallest of groans reached her ears.   
  


_”No. Is he...?”,_ Rey looked back down at Ben’s face for a moment before slowly moving her ears to his mouth. For a tense moment, nothing happened. 

Then, a breath, and on it, a single word.   
  


“Rey...”


	2. A New beginning?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a sweet reunion, there’s no time to rest. Ben and Rey need to leave, and fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, the layout is changing a bit as I write in different places and edit differently. hopefully I’ll have everything figured out and normalized soon.

In a flash, Rey was at Ben’s side, carefully lifting his head off the cold ground. “Ben! Ben, can you hear me?”, Rey’s voice came out small and pleading as she searched his face for a sign of life or recognition. 

His eyes suddenly fluttered open, taking a moment to focus before landing on hers. “Rey..”, he breathed, “You’re okay..” Ben lifted a cold and shaky hand to cup one of Rey’s tear-stained cheeks.

She lifted one of her own hands to place over his as a fresh sob escaped her lips. “Ben, I- you’re alive, I-I thought you were gone for good, I thought I had lost you forever, but you’re here and you’re alive and-“, She was cut off by a weak chuckle from Ben.

“Yeah.. I’m here.”, He moved his hand to the nape of her neck, pulling her face down to his in their third kiss ever. But this one was different from the first, and from the second. It was warm, and sweet, and full of life and hope. 

“Hmmm.. I feel like this has happened before.”, Ben said quirking an eyebrow up at Rey as they took notice of their position, the same one Ben had held her in not two hours earlier when he’d willingly given himself up to the force to save her. But this time, no one was going to die.

After a moment, they both seemed to realize where they were, and Rey knew she needed to get them out of this godforsaken place. Struggling still to stand as her body was still weak, Rey got herself up, then offered Ben her hand. “Do you think you can stand and walk, my love?” Rey was worried he was still too weak, but with some effort, Ben reached up, grabbed her hand, and pulled himself off the ground.

“Good, I’m glad you can stand, but we need to leave here.. only I don’t know how we’ll manage that..” Rey trailed off looking around at their surroundings.

“Hey, lovebirds!”, A voice suddenly called out to them from a distance.

It was Maz.

She appeared through the fog, walking towards them. “Glad to see you both in one piece. I was worried that one of you might not make it out alive, but I’m glad to see that my anxieties were unfounded.” Maz looked at the pair with a knowing smile. “Let’s get you two out of here now, and quickly, before anyone catches sight of Ben here. Only a few know of his return to the light side of the Force, and that’s the three of us. Anyone else will try to kill him on sight.” Maz looked worried.

“She’s right Ben, we need to leave here now. The remainder of the Resistance will not be happy to see Kylo Ren still alive.”

“But, I’m not Kylo Ren anymore, I’m B-“ Ben was interrupted by Rey who was losing both patience and strength rapidly.

“Yes, I know that. Maz knows that. But we’re the only two who do! Anyone else who knows is dead, and no one here will be interested in listening to an explanation. You’ll be shot on the sight. I’m too weak to fight anyone who tries to hurt you, and you’re too weak to protect yourself. You can barely stand as it is. We need to leave, now, Ben.”, Rey finished firmly looking up into his eyes.

“Okay, I trust you. Let’s go.” Ben took hold of Rey’s hand tightly in his own. “Do you know where we can go?” He looked at Maz.

“Yes, I can help you both. I know a place where you can rest and recover, but I cannot take you there, or I will be missed here. I will tell you how to get there, but you will be on your own after that.” Maz explained quickly.

After explaining the general directions, Maz left them, and Rey decided they needed to find a ship, and fast. Sneaking off the cliff side and past camp borders, Rey found a small shuttle. As she was bringing Ben through the camp after going back for him, Rey locked eyes with a very familiar face.

Finn stared at her from across the camp.

“Don’t,” she thought, her eyes shooting daggers at him. “Please, I will explain it soon.”

Finally, with one last angry, questioning look, Finn walked away.

Rey got Ben into the tiny cot in the shuttle, and started up the systems. Within moments they were in the sky, then space, and then off towards a new life.


	3. To safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey do some exploring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m learning as I go, but I love writing this, so bear with me. I wish I was an expert, people reading this deserve a good writer. Aha, just bear with me while I go die in the corner.

Rey piloted the ship for a couple hours before setting a course and putting it in autopilot to go back and rest for a bit. 

Walking into the tiny cot room, Rey saw the love of her life in what seemed a peaceful sleep, and suddenly the day’s events hit her like a train. She almost collapsed there on the spot but made her way over to the cot and squeezed in with Ben, resting her head on his chest and slinging her leg over his before drifting off. 

Ben woke with a start to find his girl fast asleep, her body slung over his as if it was the most natural thing in the world. She was so beautiful. He leaned down and kissed the top of her hair, still grimy from the battle, but Ben barely even noticed. He was just so glad that they were both here and both alive. 

Slowly, he disentangled himself from her, though it pained him to leave her, and made his way up to the front of the shuttle to see where they were headed. Sadness hit him like a bolt of lightning when he saw the name:Jakku. 

“Poor Rey,” he thought. Ben realized that she had set a course for the only home she’d ever known; jakku, that dumpster heap. She wanted to take him to somewhere she thought of as home, somewhere she thought would be far enough, safe enough. Well, Rey deserved better than jakku. 

Reaching for the control panel, Ben set a new course, one for a place he knew they would both be safe, and one where they could have some sort of life: Tatooine. With a sigh, he sat back in the pilot’s seat to watch the stars while they flew far away. He knew that his uncle had once lived there, so he and Rey could too. They would be alright. They could make a life together. 

After some time, Ben decided to go check and make sure Rey was okay. Even though he knew she was just by using their force bond, it was an excuse to see her. He still wasn’t entirely sure how to go about this, as he’d spent so long pining for Rey, and now he finally seemed to have her all to himself. God, he loved Rey. She was the greatest thing that could have happened to her, something that once, he could only dream about. And now, she was just steps away, sleeping on the same shuttle as he. 

As quietly as he could, Ben walked to the back. And there she was. His love. His life. His Rey. Suddenly, he was overcome with desire. 

For so long, so many nights, all he could do was dream of her. Dream of those gorgeous legs, toned and tan. Her beautiful breasts, that would heave with emotion every time she saw him. Her gorgeous, full lips, just begging to be kissed. He could only ever imagine each night, as he would stroke himself to visions of her before falling into a fitful sleep. 

Walking over to the cot, Ben fell to his knees, and practically gasping with desire, he grabbed Rey’s face in his hands and captured her lips in a smouldering kiss. 

Rey woke with a start, but upon realizing it was Ben kissing her, not someone attacking her, she wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, losing herself in the feel of his hands on her face, the desire on his lips. Ben dragged his tongue across her bottom lip, asking for entrance, and she allowed him. 

He slowly rose up on his knees and moved to sit on the cot, all the while still holding Rey in his arms. Rey moved to sit in his lap, her legs straddling his on either side. He slid one hand behind her holding the nape of her neck, as the other began to explore the skin under her shirt. 

A moan escaped Rey’s lips as Ben made his way up towards her chest. God, he was delicious. Wanting more, she pulled away and lifted her shirt over her head, before being pulled back to Ben’s warm inviting mouth. He pushed her hair aside with his free hand to mouth at her neck, leaving little bite marks as he moved farther down. With each mark, Rey gasped and gripped his hair in her hands until it was almost painful. Ben loved it. 

“You’re so beautiful, Rey. So beautiful. I could worship you forever,” Ben whispered through a trail of kisses down her neck to her chest. 

“Ben. Ben please.. I need you.”, Rey gasped. 

Grabbing her by the waist, with Rey wrapping her legs around him, Ben stood up and turned around, laying her gently back on the cot. 

“I’m going to ravish you, my dear,” He growled in her ear. 

As he settled himself between her legs, Rey felt a blush creep up her neck. She could feel his erection pressing against her most sensitive area, and now that she was here, she wasn’t sure what to do. 

“Ben?” She whispered tentatively. 

Ben stopped kissing her chest. “Yes?” 

“I… i've never done this before… I’m not sure I’m actually ready..” Tears sprang to Rey’s eyes as she finished. 

Ben immediately sat up, moving out from between her legs. “Rey…I had no idea. We don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for yet. I promise.” 

Smiling through her tears, Rey sat up on her knees and looped her arms around Ben’s neck, pulling him into a chaste and grateful kiss. 

“I’m sorry Ben. I promise I’ll be ready for this, I’m just not ready yet.” She whispered. 

“I’ll be here when you are.” Ben turned his head as a voice came from the front of the shuttle. 

_ “We are arriving at your destination. Prepare to land.” _ A robotic voice informed them of their arrival to tatooine. Ben got up from the cot and made his way to the pilots seat to land the shuttle. 

“This doesn’t look like Jakku,” Rey observed as she made her way to sit beside him in the cockpit. 

“That’s because it isn’t, Rey. I’ve brought us to Luke’s childhood home, Tatooine.” Ben looked over at her, studying her reaction. Rey looked over at him and smiled. 

“Let’s get this ship on the ground, then” She said with a smirk


	4. The sun sets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is acting weird. Rey has one last goodbye. Ben likes looking over Rey’s shoulder. Or head. He’s tall enough to do either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if all details aren’t exactly correct according to canon, I changed a few small things just a little. Enjoy! Also don’t worry I have a plan.

After carefully landing, Ben and Rey made their way off the small shuttle and stepped onto the warm, sandy, solid ground of Tatooine. 

“I think I successfully landed us near where Luke used to live,” Ben looked around. “But i don't see anything…”

Rey walked ahead of him, scanning their surroundings. “There! I see something. I don’t know what Luke’s home looked like but something is better than nothing, right?” She pointed off to something several hundred years away in the ground. 

Ben strode forward and bent down to look where she was pointing from over her shoulder. “Yeah, that could be it. Want to go take a look, or do you want me to?” He straightened and looked down at her. 

“I guess he doesn’t want to do it together..” Rey smiled. “I can run ahead and check it out. I know you’re still exhausted.” And with that, she turned on her heel and walked away. Ben watched her walk away for a moment before deciding to go sit on the shuttle ramp out of the still-blazing heat of the setting sun. 

“So what if he doesn’t want to go check it out with you? That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you or your safety, right? I mean, he was willing to go on his own too so he must just have spoken without thinking. Right?” Rey fretted as she trudged along the warm sand. She hoped Ben hadn’t meant anything beyond his words and was just wanting to get things done. He must be used to doing things on his own a lot anyways. As Rey reached the spot, she decided that there was nothing to worry about. 

As she approached the run-down home she knew immediately that this was Luke’s. She could feel that his life-force had once dwelled within the dusty old walls. She turned around to call out for Ben, but yelped in surprise to see that he had followed her and was now just behind her, apparently looking over her at the old house. 

“Ben! You scared me! I thought I was going to come back and get you once I’d checked things out?” Rey dropped her hand from her chest and looked up at him. 

“You were.” 

“Well, then why are you standing behind me like some creeper?” 

“I decided to follow you, and you turned around at an unfortunate time.” 

Stepping to the side, Rey looked away, feeling slightly ruffled. 

“You can feel it too, right? That Luke was here?” Ben turned to catch Rey’s eyes briefly before staring back down at the house. 

“Yeah, I felt it as soon as I laid eyes on it. It’s weird, I can’t imagine him having ever lived somewhere so remote and dirty, but yet I can feel that he did.” As soon as the words left her mouth Rey felt dumb. Of course she could imagine that. Her first ever encounter with him was on the most remote planet in the galaxy. Rey mentally smacked herself on the forehead. 

Ben continued to stand and stare down at the house, so Rey decided to make the first move. “Shall we go down and check it out?” 

“Yeah. Good idea.” Ben didn’t move, so Rey started walking down into the house, and soon enough she heard him shuffling down behind her. 

After some looking around and determining that this place had definitely been abandoned for a long time, and probably also looted on several occasions, Ben and Rey decided that they would clean up the place and try to make a home there, however permanent or Impermanent it may turn out to be. 

Without thinking, Rey turned to go back to the shuttle and get her things before realizing she had nothing but the clothes on her back, her three lightsabers, two of which weren’t hers, and the extremely large hunk of man standing in front of her staring at the wall. “Well, I guess I really am starting fresh here.” Rey thought with a mixture of sadness and hope. Perhaps this was a good thing, starting from the literal ground up. But before any building of a new life could begin, Rey decided, the old one needed to be put to rest first. 

Turning swiftly towards the exit, Rey walked quickly up the stairs, and about 20 paces away from the structure of the house before kneeling down in the sand still illuminated by the setting suns. After a few minutes of digging, using a red cloth that had hung from her belt, Rey wrapped Luke and Leia’s lightsabers up together and laid them in the hole, taking a moment of respectful silence before burying them. 

Standing up and brushing her hands off, Rey felt a weight lift off of her shoulders now that the only lightsaber she carried was hers, and she’d released Luke and Leia fully from the world of the living. As she sighed and looked around towards the setting suns, taking a moment to enjoy their beauty, an elderly woman passing by suddenly stopped and called out to her. 

“Excuse me, but what is your name?” The old woman called out to Rey. 

For a moment, Rey was speechless; no words would form in her mouth. But then, she felt two calm, reassuring hands settle on her shoulders, and she knew Ben had joined her. 

“My name is Rey. Rey Solo.” She replied with a smile. 

Seemingly satisfied with her answer, the old woman nodded to Rey, then turned and walked off. 

Laughing to herself, Rey turned around to ask Ben why he thought a little old woman would care who she was, but stopped short with a gasp when she saw that Ben hadn’t been with her at all. Behind her stood the force-ghosts of Luke and Leia who were looking at her with peaceful smiles on their faces. 

“We’re proud of you, Rey, and we’ll always be with you. Take care of Ben for us.” And before Rey could utter a single word, they’d faded away as if they were never there. 

Behind her, Rey heard Ben’s approaching footsteps before she heard him clear his throat. 

“Hey. Rey, are you okay? I.. felt a disturbance in the force.” She could hear the concern in his voice. 

Turning around with a smile, Rey assured him, “ oh yeah, I’m fine Ben. I was just thinking about everything and it all hit me at once and made me feel really sad. But I’m okay now, promise. Nothing happened, okay?” 

Ben stared into her eyes for a moment, searching, before cautiously putting an arm around her shoulders as they turned and watched the last rays of the suns disappear behind the horizon  
After carefully landing, Ben and Rey made their way off the small shuttle and stepped onto the warm, sandy, solid ground of Tatooine. 


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe everything is finally getting to Ben? Or maybe he can’t fully shake Kylo’s temper. Either way he needs to chill. 
> 
> Rey becomes the target of his wrath which seems to come out of nowhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah this chapter was kinda fun to write, not gonna lie. Please don’t hate me for this, it’s all part of the story/journey. Can’t expect they’ll just be perfect after everything, right?
> 
> Also, I know the chapters are fluctuating in length, I’m trying to kind of find a groove, hopefully that will sort itself out, though it may not. Bear with me, hope you don’t mind

Rey was tired. The sun had set 3 hours ago, and she and Ben had been in the house cleaning and setting up a “camp” of sorts ever since. Now, they needed some food and to rest for the night, or else they’d be absolutely spent tomorrow. 

They already would be, Rey corrected herself. It was hard to believe that everything that had happened with her grandfather and with Ben was less than 24 hours in the past. They needed food and sleep. It was time to be done for the night. 

“Ben?” Rey stood up from a pile of charred rubbish she’d been sorting through and looked around for him. “Ben, where are you?” 

There was no answer. Perhaps he was in the next room over and couldn’t hear her. After looking around the house, Rey found him standing in the middle of what looked like it would have been a bedroom, once upon a time. “Ben? Are you okay?” Rey asked, a touch of concern etched in her features. 

Ben turned to her, his eyes focused on the ground. “Do you know what this room was?” 

“I haven’t a clue. Why does it matter?” Rey sighed. She was so tired. 

“ **Why** **does it matter**?! This is **Luke’s** room, Rey!!!” A fire had ignited in Ben’s eyes, and Rey was suddenly nervous. Not much, but enough to take a couple steps back. Just to be safe. 

“Ben, calm down, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I’m just tired, and can’t we talk about this tomorrow? Can’t it wait? Please?” Rey pleaded with him, tried to soothe his fraught nerves. He was as tired as she, and he’d saved her life, the act nearly costing him his own. Perhaps he was finally processing all that had happened. 

_ “Please don’t start something now, Ben. Please. I’m so tired.”  _ She thought to herself, regardless, still none too pleased with his sudden flare of temper. 

“How could you….. aaa **aAUUUGH!!!!** ” Ben suddenly turned and punched a hole in the sand-brick wall behind him, his breath coming out in angry puffs of air. “How could you not under _ stand _ , Rey?! You! Of all people!!! How could you not understand how fucking TERRIBLE this is?!” Ben had suddenly turned towards her, his fists clenched. 

Rey, now actually afraid of him, took several more steps away. “How terrible  _ what _ is, Ben?” Her voice came out barely above a whisper. Would he actually hurt her in his sudden blind rage? It wasn’t like they hadn’t fought with the intent to kill before, but they never actually had. And besides, he was supposed to be different now, right? He was supposed to be better. On instinct, Rey’s hand made its way to her lightsaber hanging on her belt. 

Ben’s eyes immediately caught the movement, and for a moment, neither one moved. Rey watched as his face changed from rage, to shock, to concern, and finally back to rage, all in a span of seconds. Then, suddenly, his hand shot forward, force-grabbing her lightsaber straight out of her hand and off her belt before she had time to react. 

Ben stood there, examining it for a moment before igniting it. “You really think I’m just a fool, blinded by rage and hatred, don't you? You think that that’s all that’s in me.... Don’t you?” His voice was eerily calm. He wouldn’t look at Rey, but continued staring at her yellow saber. 

“ **DON'T YOU?!** ” Ben suddenly turned and sliced through an old droid that had somehow been still standing, though it wasn’t anymore. Before Rey could answer that she didn’t, in fact, think that, he turned and began slashing at seemingly everything he could reach, slicing pieces of metal, furniture, droids, old toys, and even the walls themselves. 

Rey, truly worried, decided to try one last thing, hoping maybe she could reach him through whatever was causing his sudden outburst of rage and violence. Closing her eyes for a brief moment, she gathered her focus, and reached out to Ben through their bond. 

_ “Ben.” _ She said his name firmly but gently. “ _ Ben, please come back to me. Why are you doing this? What’s wrong? Let me in, and I can he- _ “ Rey was suddenly interrupted as he turned around, and with one sweep of his arm, threw her back through the doorway and into the far wall. Before she could even register what he’d done, Rey was knocked out cold from the impact. 

The moment it happened, Ben knew immediately what he’d done. It was as if he’d been in a trance that he was now suddenly snapped out of. Immediately he dropped Rey’s saber, and ran out of the room to where her body was lying on the floor. 

“Rey?” He reached out to her, but stopped right before he could touch her. What was he doing? He’d just been the one to do this to her, and now he was about to grab her as if it was someone else who’d hurt her? 

Suddenly Ben’s stomach flipped. He turned and retched on the ground behind him, completely disgusted with himself. What had he done? He couldn’t bear to look at Rey after what he had just inflicted upon her. 

_ “She needs your help, you  _ **_fool_ ** _! What are you doing? You can’t do something like that and then just leave her. What if she dies? She’s already weak from today, and now you go and do  _ **_this?!_ ** _ You’re a disgrace. A monster.”  _ Tears began to roll down Ben’s cheeks as he made himself turn and face his poor crumpled Rey. What had he done? He truly was a monster. 

He collapsed on the ground and began sobbing, now unable to tear his eyes away from her, yet incapable of even touching her to help. He was weak. Cruel. 

For the rest of the night, Ben sat on the floor, sobbing, yet unmoving, watching Rey and hoping she’d wake up. 


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, the both need to heal, cuz they’re obviously messed up, but Ben is scared, like super scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know there hasn’t been any real smut yet, but these two have a very complex past, both alone, and together, so their relationship is still weird and messy. But smut and happiness shall come, I promise.

Rey woke up to the suns’ rays directly in her eyes. Squinting and sitting up with a groan, her hand went to the back of her head where a massive bump had formed from the previous night’s events with Ben. Speaking of Ben, where was he?

Ben had disappeared the moment he felt Rey beginning to stir. He couldn’t be there when she fully woke up, he couldn’t face her. In all the fights they’d ever had, after their first one when he’d force-thrown her at a tree, he’d vowed to himself that he’d never hurt her again. A couple times he almost had, but he’d always stopped just before following through, his heart remembering his promise. How could he stay here and be around her after he had broken his vow? He couldn't, Ben decided. He needed to leave, now. 

Rey stood slowly, wishing she could force-heal herself, but she didn’t think it worked that way, and was too tired and sore to figure that out at the moment. The important thing was finding Ben. Perhaps she should have been angry with him for what he did, and in a small part she was, but she mostly just felt bad for him. He’d been manipulated by the most evil of the sith for the majority of his life until he was twisted into a lonely, hurting, angry, dark shell of his former self who committed countless evil acts. Rey knew something like that couldn’t heal overnight, it would take time. And while it might sometimes be painful, emotionally and possibly physically, she decided that she truly did want to help him. She wasn’t sure whether she fully loved him or not, her own feelings were quite confused at the moment, but she knew she cared for him deeply. Yes, she would help Ben heal, and maybe find healing for herself along the way. 

Ben was powering up the shuttle to leave when he felt it: “ _ Ben, don't leave. Or, If you’re going to leave, wait for me. I’ll come with you.” _

Ben shook his head.  _ “You can’t come with me, Rey, I… I don’t want to hurt you again. I can’t do that. You don’t belong with me, I’m a monster. I’ll always be a monster.”  _

Rey sighed. He wasn’t going to listen to her, not this way. Running up and out of the house, she spotted the shuttle beginning to lift into the air. She only had a few moments before Ben was gone, and once he was gone, she didn’t know whether she would ever get him back. With a jolt, she reached out with the force, holding the shuttle in place. It was much easier, she realized, than in the desert two days earlier. The shuttle was smaller, and she felt stronger in the force than she’d ever felt before. 

Ben cursed out loud as he realized that Rey had force-grabbed the shuttle. She wasn’t going to let him leave, not without a fight. She’d always been stubborn, hadn’t she? He should have seen this coming, should have left sooner. With one last heaving sigh of resignation, Ben allowed Rey to land the shuttle, and powered down the engines. Then, he just sat there, in the cockpit, unmoving. He wanted to get off, to go see Rey, but at the same time he couldn’t bring himself to face her. He was still a monster, he was still evil. How could he have been so vain as to think that he could just “be good” whenever he decided? 

“Ben.” He heard Rey coming up behind him, and watched as she settled herself down in the co-pilot’s seat next to him. “Ben, what are you doing?” 

He averted his gaze, looking out the windshield. “I’m leaving. Or I was, until you ...woke up.” 

“Why are you leaving?” Rey knew why, but she wanted him to say it. 

“You know why, Rey, you know exactly why,” Ben paused, gathering his composure. “After our first battle on Starkiller base, when I threw you into that tree, do you remember that?” Rey nodded, and Ben continued. “Anyways, after that, I vowed I would never again harm you. And I came close a few times, but I never did. It was the one good thing I was able to do as Kylo Ren, and I ruined it. I hurt you, Rey, don’t you see? I can’t stay here now. What if I hurt you again?” At this, tears sprang to Rey’s eyes. She could see the hurt in his eyes, feel the pain in him, and more, feel the love he held for her. He loved her. She reached out, placing a hand on Ben’s face, not withdrawing even when he flinched at her touch. 

“Ben… you’re not whole. You’re not you. You have lead a horrible, wretched, sad life up to now. You can’t expect that you’ll just immediately be perfect all the time. No one ever is anyway, no matter how “good” they are. But you’re  _ not _ a monster, Ben. If you were a monster, you wouldn’t have killed Kylo Ren. You wouldn’t have fought by my side, or so readily given your own life to save mine. Monsters don’t do those things Ben. They can’t. But you did. You did, and you’re here with me, right now, in this moment.” Rey paused, knowing what she wanted to say, and praying for the strength to do so. “Ben, I could never be in love with you if you were a monster..” With this, she dropped her hand, turning away from him, embarrassed. 

It took a moment before Ben fully realized what he’d just heard. She loved him.  _ She loved him _ . Tears sprang to his own eyes as he reached out, putting a hand on Rey’s shoulder, turning her back to face him. Then, placing his other hand on the nape of her neck, he brought her to him, in kiss that was both sweet and sad, giving and taking. 

Rey immediately melted into the kiss, rising up from her own seat and moving to Ben’s, settling on his lap sideways. She could feel his bottom lip quivering even through their kiss. Her hands moved through his hair to the back of his head, holding him to her, as he moved a hand from her shoulder to her lower back, pressing them as close as he could get them. 

Rey suddenly broke away, her lungs needing air. She settled her forehead on Ben’s as he let out a shuddering sigh, their breath mingling. “Do you love me, Ben?” Rey ventured a look at his face, taking in every freckle and mole, his beautiful full lips, and high cheekbones, before her eyes settled on his. Like before, she knew the answer, but she liked hearing him admit these things on his own, liked hearing him say the words. 

The silence between them stretched, every moment excruciating.

“....more than anything, Rey.” Ben looked at her, a smile ghosting on his lips. “More than anything I ever loved or ever could love. Yes, I love you.” Overjoyed, Rey captured him in another heart-stopping kiss as a tear rolled down her cheek. 

Moving his hand up to brush it away for her, Ben broke the kiss and held her face in his huge warm hands. “I will never leave your side, ever again. That’s a promise Rey, one I don’t  _ ever  _ plan on breaking.” 

Rey sniffled and placed her hands over his. “Well good, because I’m really hard to get rid of anyway,” she laughed. “Oh, and Ben?” 

“Yes?” 

“Your breath really stinks.”

Ben couldn’t help himself and chuckled, shoving her off his lap. “You think yours smells any better?” He countered. Rey moved to the co-pilot’s seat again and rolled her eyes, still smiling. 

“So, where are we going, Mr. Pilot?” 

Ben looked at her in surprise. “What do you mean, where are we going?” 

“Well, after this, we obviously can’t stay here. We need to go somewhere where we can start fresh based on  _ us,  _ somewhere with no past memories.” Rey reached for his hand. 

“You’re right,” Ben paused, thinking. “You’re right, we should leave. But I have no idea where to go.” 

Rey stood up. “Then move, I’m flying.” 

Ben stood up, chuckling, and switched places with her. “So where are we going then?” He asked. 

“I have no clue, but I’m a better pilot than you are, and I’m sure I’ll think of someplace before you can.” With a smirk, Rey started up the shuttle and they lifted off. 

“Haha, you’re so funny, Rey. Do you see me laughing? Do you see how funny you are? I’m laughing so hard over here.” Ben suddenly yelped as Rey reached over and smacked him on the shoulder. 

“Shut up, and let the expert pilot do her job.” She laughed. 

Ben sobered and looked out the shuttle’s windshield, wondering if he’d ever truly have a happy ending with Rey, or if he’d always be this broken creature, cast out by society. 

Rey could sense his thoughts, but said nothing. She was going to get them somewhere, and they were going to heal, together. She could feel it. They were going to be okay; and maybe, someday, they could return to her friends, return to society. Ben could return, not as the feared and hated Kylo Ren, but as Ben Solo, the son of legends, loved and respected. It would happen. It had to


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter is pretty lame, but I’ve been going through a lot these past few months, so I’m just now getting back into things with this story. It’s hard to find one’s bearings again, but try to bear with me. Thank you for reading this far, anyway XD.

Chapter 7

  
It was their second week of flying the galaxy looking for a new home, and Rey was asleep in the cot at the back of the shuttle when Ben made a decision. He’d been considering it and debating it for days, but he’d come to the conclusion that it was the best thing for Rey. That didn’t necessarily make it hurt any less, but it was what was best; Ben was going to take Rey back to her friends in the Resistance. 

Yes, he loved her, but she wouldn’t-couldn’t-have any shot at a decent life with him, not after everything he’d done while he was with the First Order. They would essentially spend their lives in hiding, always trying to keep him hidden and safe from the retribution he rightfully deserved, and that was no life for Rey. She deserved so much better than anything he could offer her.

Ben sighed heavily, letting his thoughts overtake him. Yes, he would take her back. Though they’d had many long conversations, Rey still hadn’t divulged to him where the Resistance was currently residing, but he knew she had kept up in communication with FN-2187, or Finn, as she said he was called. He’d managed to glean the location of the resistance from her while she’d been last sleeping about a week ago. Ben still couldn’t get used to 2187having a real name. It was strange. And stranger yet, apparently 2187- Finn- was force-sensitive. He wasn’t especially powerful, not yet anyway according to Rey, but he possessed a sensitivity that could quite possibly be honed and trained. Ben was surprised he had never noticed, but he also wasn’t surprised. The stormtroopers had always been the least of his worries back when he was Kylo Ren, they were just instruments, there at and for his use and disposal. Stormtroopers weren’t there for their personalities, they were there to perform whatever task was assigned to them. And anyway, back then, his mind had been consumed with Rey and his conflict between the light and dark sides of the force. 

“Ack..” Ben stood up from his seat at the pilot’s controls with a yawn, and stretched as far as his tall frame combined with the short ceiling of the shuttle would let him. He was done thinking, he’d made his decision. Now he just wanted to spend time with Rey, as much as possible, until he dropped her off and, hopefully, made a quiet escape to live out his days righting all the wrongs he’d committed. 

Tentatively, he took a moment to reach out through their bond, trying to see if she was awake. If she wasn't he didn’t want to disturb her. She needed her sleep. “ _ Ben, I know you’re there,”  _ He could feel her chuckle through the bond. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought. 

  
  


“Hey.” 

She heard his voice before she saw his tall, dark frame enter the cot space. “Hi. Where are we right now? How long was I asleep?” Rey not-quite demanded as she swung her legs over the edge of the cot, blinking up at Ben with bleary eyes. 

“We’ve just passed the Dagobah system, and just short of four hours.” He regarded her with seemingly emotionless features. 

At her look of surprise, Ben interrupted her thoughts before Rey could voice them. “Light speed is out. Went out a couple hours ago. We’ll have to stop and find somewhere to get it fixed.” He shifted, crossing his arms and leaning against the entryway to to cot room. 

“ _Ah, that's why we’ve made so little progress. But_ _Ben’s being so weird. Why won’t he come closer?”_ Rey was careful to keep her mental shields up as she puzzled. Finally, she stood up, and made to pass him to get to the cockpit. “Well, if we’ve just passed the dagobah system, then we should be able to stop somewhere in the western reaches and find what we need.” 

“ _ Yes. Exactly. Stars help me see this through.”  _

“That’s what I was thinking. We should be there in a few days.” Ben turned to follow her, settling in the co-pilot’s seat and focusing on the stars as they passed by. He couldn’t let his thoughts betray him to her. It would ruin the whole plan, knowing her stubbornness, and it all hinged on her  _ not  _ knowing so she couldn’t resist. If she resisted, Ben knew he’d be powerless. 

Steeling his mind, he turned to Rey, taking a moment to appreciate her profile. It wasn’t anything special, but then, nothing about her was. Somehow, that made her all the more beautiful. He never wanted to forget a single line of her face, her neck, her shoulders and chest, creating outward to those small, perky-

“Ben? Are you alright?”

Rey had caught him staring. Damnit. 

Ben quickly averted his gaze, now focusing it on the control panel to gather his wits. Then, clearing his throat, he looked back at her. “Yeah, just tired. I think I’m going to go to the back and sleep for awhile.” With that, he stood up and left Rey to pilot the tiny shuttle. 

The cot was too small for him, but Ben was so tired he couldn’t care less. He fell asleep almost immediately, breathing in the musky, not-quite-clean scent Rey had left behind on the pillow. 


End file.
